Get that bandicoot!
by WarioWorshipper777
Summary: The first episode of my "Crazy Crash Bandicoot" series. Dr. Neo Cortex attempts to motivate his henchmen into destroying Crash Bandicoot.


Note: all the characters in this story are owned by Sony, Vivendi Universal, Naughty Dog and anyone else who owns the Crash license.

By the way, any grammar and/or spelling errors that are seen in this story are completely intentional.

**Crazy Crash Bandicoot episode 1: Get that bandicoot!**

It was a peaceful morning on the three islands near the coast of Australia. In the jungle, The bodacious Liz Bandicoot was out for a walk...

"(singing) I'm so pre-tty. I'm so cu-ute. Nobody can be prettier tham me-e. Especially not that bimbo Taw-na. La dee dah..." sang Liz(That last lyric didn't rhyme!), until...

"Huh? What the-? Mmmmmph!" said Liz in surprise as she was captured by a pair of hands that suddenly came out of a bush for some sort of stupid and unexplainable reason that even **I** can't explain...Then again, maybe I can. ;)

Anyway, back to the story. Meanwhile, Coco and Crunch were busy hanging out in front of Crash's house. Coco was glued to her computer,as usual(not litterally!) while Crunch was busy lifting weights.

"Come on, Coco! Ya can't just stay on that thing ALL day long! You've got to do better things in life, like lifting weights to be big and strong like myself!" said Crunch.

"Puh-lease. Who needs weights when you can just hang out with several friends in a chat room?" replied Coco.

"You know what? I bet you're just too chicken to even TRY liftin' weights." said Crunch.

"I am not!" protested Coco as she stood up.

"Chicken, chicken! (clucks like a chicken)" taunted Crunch while flapping his arms like a chicken.

"That's it! You're on, Crunch!" said Coco.

"Good. Now, here's the deal: the first one to lift that barbell over there wins. Got that?" said Crunch as he pointed to a nearby barbell lying on the ground.

"Just watch me, "Mr. Macho Man"..." said Coco.

Coco walked over to the barbell. She pathetically tried to lift the barbell in several ways, but to no avail.

"Watch and learn, pipsqueak!" said Crunch. He went to the barbell. After spitting some saliva on his hands and rubbing them, Crunch grabbed a hold of the barbell and lifted it up.

"Yes! I'm the man!" said Crunch, triumphantly.

"Umm, Crunch?" said Coco while pointing to the air. It seemed that Crunch lifted the barbell so fast that it was sent flying high in the sky...

The two bandicoots stared at the sky for 5 minutes...

"Let's forget this ever happened." Said Coco.

"Okay." replied Crunch.

Crash came out of the house, yawning.

"Oh! You're awake! Hi, big brother!" greeted Coco.

"It's about time you woke up! How long did ya sleep for, a million years or somethin'?" complained Crunch.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" screamed a voice coming from the jungle.

"That sounded like Liz!" said Crunch.

"HELP ME! I'M IN DANGER OF BEING, LIKE, DEAD AND STUFF!" screamed the same voice.

"Yup, that's Liz all right..." replied Coco.

Crash immediately ran off to save Liz, leaving a cloud-shaped version of himself behind.

"Where's he going?" asked Coco.

"Uhh, I think he left to go save Liz!" said the cloud-shaped Crash before running away.

Crash soon arrived at the jungle.

"Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha- (cough) (hack)" laughed an ominous voice.

The evil Dr. Neo Cortex, a mad scientist that nobody likes, suddenly jumped out of a bush. Crash looked surprised.

"YesItisItheevildrcortexsoontoberuleroftheuniverse!" said Cortex in a rapid tone. "(ahem) Let's skip the cinematics, shall we? It is time for _la piece de resistance_."

Cortex pulled a cord to open a couple of red curtains that were behind him to reveal Liz tied up and hanging over a PIT OF RABID MAILMEN! AHH! Oops, sorry about that.

Crash scratched his head.

"Yes, I know I could've done better for the (finger quote) "pit full of savage man-eating beasts", but I ran out of ideas." said Cortex. "(rapid tone) NowthensurrendertomenoworIwilldropherintothepit!"

Crash fell flat on the ground, dizzy from Cortex's speed talking.

"ToolateIwilldropherintothepitnow!" said Cortex as he pulled nearby lever that immediately dropped Liz into the pit.

"Ahhhh!" shrieked Liz as she was dropped into the pit of rabid mailmen, who proceeded to devour her(There ain't no way that I'll describe what happens to her in detail). After that, Liz was seen coming out of the pit as an angel. She was busy filing her nails with her nail filer as she flew to the heavens.

"Yes! I have finally beaten Crash Bandicoot!" excaimed Cortex, triumphantly. He then proceeded to do a little Russian dance. After he was done, he walked over to Crash...

"Now to finish the job!" said Cortex.

Cortex was busy strangling Crash until a barbell fell on him.

"Ouch! The pain! I can't feel my brain!" complained Cortex.

Crash got up and then, Liz suddenly fell out of the sky and landed on Crash's arms.

"Hiya, Crash! Can we go home now? The guys in heaven said that I was too annoying and dropped me here." said Liz.

As Crash walked away with Liz in his arms(again, not litterally), Cortex was still lying on the ground.

"I'll be fine. Just...give me a minute to get up." moaned Cortex.

Some time later, at Castle Cortex...

"Oh, how I hate that bandicoot! My plans are ALWAYS foiled because of that blasted marsupial!" shouted an angry Cortex.

"Do not worry, Dr. Cortex. You will get him next time!" said N.Gin in an attempt to reassure his boss.

"Maybe, maybe not...Oh, what's the use? I'll never be able to defeat him. And to add insult to injury, he has everything **I** don't have; food, women, money..." complained Cortex.

"Um, Dr. Cortex? He does not HAVE any money." corrected N.Gin.

"OF COURSE HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY MONEY! But he would if he was stupid enough to acquire some." Pouted Cortex. "And what do I have? A bunch of mindless drones and dim-witted animals."

"Our animals could defeat him!" said N.Gin.

"Yes, but they can't do anything right." replied Cortex. "(ponders) Hmm...Maybe I should find a way to motivate them."

Later, at the meeting room...

"All right, listen up! You all know why you're here." said Cortex.

"Uhh, no we don't." replied Tiny, Pinstripe, Dingodile and Komodo Joe.

Cortex slapped his forehead in disbelief.

"YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE YOU WANT TO CRUSH THAT BANDICOOT!" shouted Cortex. "(to himself) Phew! Talking in caps is quite exhaustive..."

The animal minions all agreed.

"Of course, I know that you don't want to suffer for such a far-to-be-simple task like this, so I decided to offer a reward in order to motivate you all." announced Cortex.

"Okay, so what is yer reward, a pair of fresh underwear?" asked Pinstripe.

"No, it's a lot better than that. Actually, I have several suggestions." replied Cortex.

Cortex pulled a cord to open a red curtain revealing crates of ammo.

"How about some new ammo?" asked Cortex.

"Nah." replied Pinstripe.

Cortex pulled the cord a couple of times and the ammo was replaced by a pile of fruit.

"A pile of fruit?" asked Cortex again.

"Nope" replied Pinstripe.

Cortex pulled the cord a couple more times and the pile of fruit was replaced by a poster of Tawna in a sexy pose.

"This poster of Tawna?" asked Cortex yet again.

"(wolf whistle) Yeah, maybe. No, wait. She ain't my species. Never mind." replied Pinstripe.

"Oh, WHAT IS IT THAT YOU PEOPLE WANT? CAN'T YOU THINK OF SOMETHING THAT YOU DESIRE?" shouted an angry Cortex.

A lightbulb suddenly appeared above Cortex's head.

"Wait! I got it! (pulls a crystal out of his pocket) How about this power crystal?" said Cortex.

"Mmm, that thing looks like it'd be worth a couple of bucks." said Pinstripe, intrigued. "Okay, I'm in."

"That there crystal might make tis' here flamethrower more toasty. I'm with ya." said Dingodile.

"Tiny like prity crystal!" said a fascinated Tiny.

"Tiny, you fool! You spelled "pretty" wrong!" said Cortex.

"Oh. Sorry." said Tiny. He punched himself in the face, knocking himself out.

"Okay...I guess you three will have to do." said Cortex. "Today, you shall be defeated, Crash Bandicoot!" said a menacing Cortex. "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha- (cough) (hack)"

N.Gin held up a red lozenge in his hand.

"Cherry lozenge?" asked N.Gin.

"Don't mind if I do!" replied Cortex while taking said lozenge.

Later, at the jungle, Crash was out for a harmless stroll. Unbeknownst to him, Pinstripe and Dingodile were hiding in a bush.

"There he is! On the count of 3, we jump out and attack!" whispered Pinstripe to Dingodile.

"Can't we just jump and attack him now instead?" asked Dingodile.

"Aw, to heck with the countin', let's just attack him." replied Pinstripe.

Pinstripe and Dingodile jumped of the bush to do an ambush!

"Prepare to be turned into ham, Crash Bandicoot!" said Pinstripe.

Crash avoided Pinstripe and Dingodile's bullet spray and flame attacks, respectively.

"Stand still, darn it!" protested Pinstripe while trying to shoot Crash.

Crash suddenly ran in front of Dingodile's flamethrower while Pinstripe was still busy shootin'.

"Oh, dungbeetle!" complained a helpless Dingodile.

BOOOOOOOM!

The resulting explosion sent Pinstripe and Dingodile flying. Crash let a sigh of relief as he walked near a cliff. However, Komodo Joe suddenly leapt out of nowhere and landed in front of Crash!

"You will die fassssster than you were born! Yaaaaahhhh!" yelled Komodo Joe as he made a leaping kick toward Crash. Luckily, Crash simply stepped out of the way and Joe fell down the cliff.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Komodo Joe as he fell down the cliff.

CRASH!

"At least it can't get any worse..." said Joe as he tried to get out of the Joe-shaped crater he made.

Of course, he spoke too soon as a boulder fell on him.

"I'm okay!" said Joe from under the boulder. An even bigger boulder fell on the first one(as well as Komodo Joe).

"Okay, now that REALLY hurt." complained Joe.

A satisfied Crash walked back home.

Later, at Cortex Castle...

The wounded minions were standing in front of Cortex.

"You failed again?" asked an angry Cortex. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Uhh, sorry?" said an uncertain Dingodile.

"I...AM...PERFECTLY CALM..." said Cortex, attempting to hold his built-up anger. "UUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

The scene quickly shifted to Rilla Roo sitting on a beach.

"The scene that we were about to show you is filled with Cortex's gratuitous anger and therefore deemed too offensive for children. Instead, we shall you this scene of Rilla Roo picking his nose until Cortex calms down. Thank you for your comprehension." said N.Tropy's disembodied voice.

Rilla Roo put his finger inside his nose and it got stuck in it. He then attempted to try and pull it out.

10 seconds later, the scene shifted back to Castle Cortex. Cortex, whom was holding his ray gun, had finally calmed down. Everyone in the room, including N.Gin, was toasted by Cortex.

"Oy, and I thought Uka Uka was cranky." complained Dingodile as he was lying on the ground.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" shouted Uka Uka as he flew inside the room. He promptly zapped Dingodile.

"Ouch." groaned Dingodile before falling into unconsciousness.

The End.

**Please read & review, people.**


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